my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
