Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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