remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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