I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
