I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Randomize
