Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
