she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
