butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
Thanks?
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize