he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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