I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I just threw up on my dentist
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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