nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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