I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
