Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I think my moral compass just broke
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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