After last night, I could never be a politician.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
