Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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