It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
