I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
