I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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