I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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