i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
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Do I have a choice?
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your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
