Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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