Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
