So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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