About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
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