you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
