the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
