theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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