I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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