I think I am morally bankrupt
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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