His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
