i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize