Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
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