i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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