I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
