I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
kristin has been a bad kristin
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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