You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
