She is in my trunk
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize