3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
