Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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