Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
