I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize