she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
