So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Randomize
