we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Sorry my hands just texted you
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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