I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Randomize
