Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
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