I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
David Carradine died? Should I be thinking about this 10 min before my interview?
Haha just ref him when they ask a questin about kung fu which they will since ur Asian
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
