I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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