grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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