Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
