Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
