I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
