I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
