Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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