I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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