Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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