Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
