I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem.
kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night.
I'll be there in 10
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Randomize
