if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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