But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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