If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
