I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
