If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
