but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize